Something happened when I turned 40 and it was unexpected.
June of 2021
When I turned 39 in June of 2021, I started something. Hashtag “FAB BY 40”! I thought about doing all these little things by 40. Dye my hair some wild color. Hike the Grand Canyon. Those would have all been great ideas. I didn’t do those things. I set my focus on one thing: “Get healthy”. I didn’t add any actionable steps to get there. No! I just needed to lose 70 lbs to be amazing by the time I turned 40. Because, after 40, if you, as a woman, have not attained your goal to be skinny, it’s all going to be downhill from there. I wasn’t going to fail this time! This time would be different. The kids would be back in school. I could focus on what I needed to do to be skinny. I had 12 months to do this thing and I would not fail!
June of 2022 Happy 40th Birthday!
I failed….again. How many goals have I set where I didn’t follow through? What the fuck was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just get it figured out? I shrugged off those thoughts, destined to live in this body I must be stuck with until I land in the grave.
But then something happened. I started my version of a midlife movement. I attended a retreat in October of 2022 through The Unraveled Academy. Trust me, it’s one of the best photography educational communities around. Outside of the obvious learning, there was a bunch of self reflection. “Why are you stuck?” Exploring the deep truth about what is holding me back and why it scares me so much with a group of mostly strangers in a cabin on a mountain in rural Utah. It was enlightening!
fail·ure
/ˈfālyər/
noun
- 1.lack of success.
- 2. the omission of expected or required action.
The fear of failure is what always holds me back from everything. But not in the sense that I just won’t follow through for myself. For me, I fear that I will fail people around me by doing something that would be disappointing to those that love me. This couples with people pleasing. I had come to believe that I should just be quiet and not stir the pot. My kindergarten teacher used to sternly tell me I was wrong when I was coloring my shapes as a 5 year old. “Don’t color outside of the lines. Don’t color in more than one direction. It’s wrong.” “And you’re not good enough” is that part I heard in my head. Similar situations came up for me as I was growing up. I learned that it’s just easier to take the safe route. Be quiet. Don’t stir the pot. Don’t be different. Stay with the in-crowd.
So what changed when I turned 40 and I went to this retreat? I tried to stop giving a fuck about what other people think of my decisions! I started standing up for myself. I started expressing myself differently. I started to love myself AND my body.
For months now, I’ve felt like I’ve been on the cusp of something new for me. I put it on hold to pack and move house this last Spring. I turned 41 in June. I am still fat like I was in June of 2021. I’m still terrified about this new thing I am doing for my business this year. But I’ve got some models, I’m talking to a branding specialist. I’m forcing myself to take one terrified step in front of the last with a small network of support pushing me to keep going.
I’m terrified, but I’m doing it. Here’s to building a new narrative for my 42nd year.